Dear Weather,
You've been toying with my emotions lately. If you didn't get the memo, The Shittiness That Was February is OVAH so let's get out of the cold rainy, windy crap and get on to more of the gorgeous, blue skied, sunny happiness you've shown for a few hours in the past week. Yesterday I was able to air out my apartment for the first time in Months, and believe me, I really needed that. Today you are beautiful through the window, Weather, but I just stuck my nose out to see if I could open the windows again for another breather, but you are FREEZING. So Suck It. And then lets get a move on to Spring, please.
Love,
Tired of Being Cooped Up and Bringing my Scarf Just In Case Emily
****************
Dear Two Friends Who Want Me To Move In With Them,
I love you both dearly. I really appreciate the fact that you want me to move in with you, but I've grown too attached to living on my own. I guess that's just the type of person I am. I really like the fact that I never have to fight anyone for the bathroom, that when I'm ready to go to bed the apartment is dark and quiet, that I can come home exhausted, flop on the couch and watch Idol without having to provide commentary to the person sitting next to me. I hate that you live 45 minutes from me now, so maybe you guys should think about moving down to Virginia instead.
Love,
Too Far Away But I Kinda Like It That Way Emily
****************
Dear Apartment Whose Lease I am Renewing,
I knew my rent deal from this year wasn't going to last - although I'm still bitter about how much more you're going to be costing me starting in May. I'm still debating whether to sign you a whole year, or just the six months I was originally thinking. But as our one year anniversary comes up, I think we've had a good run. You are clean, and close to the parking lot, and I like your free shuttle bus (when its on time). And I think I've been good to you too - I've only spilled red wine on the rug once, and I take the trash out regularly. However, I do promise in our next lease that I will vaccuum you more often, with a REAL vacuum not a dustbuster, and maybe we can do something about those folding chairs that are substituting for real furniture. IKEA is calling.
Love,
It Could Be So Much Worse Emily
*****************
Dear Mom,
Thanks for not buying me more stuff that I would have had to keep paying you back on. Since I will now need that money to pay for my superfluous rent.
Love,
Your Not-So-Broke Anymore Daughter
****************
Dear Boy That Took Me To Coffee On Valentines Day,
Where do I begin. Our coffee date on Valentine's Day was orginially for work-related marketing purposes only. But we were refreshingly similar, and wound up talking about a whole lot of NOT work related subjects. I developed a crush on you almost instantly, and in the past two weeks we've emailed almost every day and you've stopped by my office to deliver more candy jars than any one person should have in her possession at one time. Two Fridays ago we went out to Happy Hour, which was really fun and totally what I needed, as I hadn't been out on a first date in a long time. I met your co-workers who are my age and who work in a related field to me, and everyone was really nice and interesting to talk to. And then after a few drinks, it became so obvious you were INTO me into me, Coffee Boy, and that made me feel giddy and good in a 15-year-old-girl-getting-her-first-crush kinda way. We drank, we danced, we may have even made out on the dance floor. And it was super fun, because this was a no-pressure thing, right?
But then, this weekend Coffee...you kinda took a turn for the annoying. We didn't have plans to see each other this weekend, but you called me at 1:30am on Friday night, telling me you missed me and we should go to lunch the next day. Lunch sounded like a good idea to me. I told you I had to work Saturday until about 1, but that we could meet when I was done. So when you didn't call until about 6pm last night, and I teased you about breaking off our lunch date, I was surprised to hear that you didn't even remember discussing that... Ok ok, so you were drunk, I'll let it go but this behavior is reminding me of college and boys that were wasted and calling all night and never remembering events the next day...not cool anymore.
AND THEN Coffee, you did it again last night! You called at 3am, left me a message saying to please please please call back as soon as I got the message, that you were in a difficult situation, so yes, Coffee, after having a friend get arrested and given a DUI a few months ago, I wanted to make sure you weren't stranded on the street, in jail, or something equally as "difficult". So when I called and told you that, and then realized that you were wasted and laying on your friend's floor, you laughed at me for like ten minutes. Seriously. And that's when my crush on you died for the mostpart Coffee. So, you're really going to have to step it back up, because I don't spend time with boys who spend their entire weekends being wasted and kind of an asshole. I had more than enough of that in my four years of college.
Love,
Not So Sure About You Anymore/I'm Putting My Phone On Alarm Only Emily
****************
Dear Work Self,
You are kicking ass and that's good. Your reviews last week were great and there is a light at the end of the Promotion Tunnel. But maybe when all three of your bosses, your HR Director, your friends and your mother tell you that you're working too much and should calm it down, maybe it'd be ok to do so just a little bit. Even if the overtime is totally making it worth it.
Love,
Lack of Sleep and a Social Life Emily
****************
Dear Social Self,
You will come back eventually. Go out with Shannon on weekdays more often. And call Maggie, you haven't seen her in over a year. Since you aren't down with Living With Girls, Girls Nights Out can still be the best medicine sometimes.
Love,
Your Loving Margaritas and Girl Talk on Wednesday Nights Self Emily
****************
Dear Body,
You are going to Vegas in two months. How bout you start putting that pilates mat and hand weights to some use while you're watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 marathons on the weekends.
Love,
Your Tired of the Pooch Self Emily
****************
Dear YouTube,
I can't decide if I love or hate you for putting videos like this up:
">
I watch this at least five times a day, and my ovaries are going into overtime thinking about having a baby in Britain just so I may have the possibility of hearing that accent come out of something I created.
Love,
I really really really like NOT being a mother except for when I watch this Emily